Archive for February 2012

Self-medication II   1 comment

I spoke of my drinking to my therapist last Friday, and she told me to keep the following in mind:

  • My drinking does not affect my ability to carry out daily activities.
  • Wanting to medicate myself in times of emotional stress is a normal reaction. I do not need to give in to it, but if I do I should not hold myself in low regard.  It is (sometimes) equivalent to eating an entire pint of Ben & Jerry’s.
  • I should not keep gin in the house.

On the last, she agrees with me. 🙂

Posted February 22, 2012 by veggiewolf in Depression

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Oblivion   Leave a comment

(i hinted at this in the Self-Medication post, but think it bears more exploration.)

The beauty of oblivion is not having to be responsible for anything, including myself.  I am free to float in an empty space – no emotions, no worries, no cares.  The blankness is as comforting as it is overwhelming – too much of it, and I don’t want to come back to reality.

(this is not a healthy mindset, in case you couldn’t tell)

If oblivion cannot be reached through chemical means, I can get close through drowsing.  If I lie still, secure within a nest of comforter and sheets, for long enough, I slip away gently and softly.  I skim beneath the surface of actual reality where everything is seen through a gauzy film.

All things are possible in oblivion, but one doesn’t care if they come to pass.  It is any wonder so many of us try to remain there?

Posted February 17, 2012 by veggiewolf in Depression

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Friends with Benefits (FWB)   Leave a comment

Individuals with whom I am comfortable sharing personal information beyond what would be allowed to a stranger.  The relationships vary in depth, but always involve some form of mutual trust.  Some form of socializing, be it online, by phone, or face-to-face, occurs on a routine basis.  Sexual activity either has occurred, or will potentially occur.

Posted February 17, 2012 by veggiewolf in Boxes

Service people   Leave a comment

Individuals with whom I interact in the context of having a service provided to or for me.  Politeness on my part, and on the part of the provider, is key.  Discussions center around the service and/or inconsequential chit-chat, and interaction ceases when the transaction ceases.  This box/label is not limited to those that provide traditional services and can be applied in other contexts.

Posted February 16, 2012 by veggiewolf in Boxes

Mental Health professionals   Leave a comment

Individuals with whom I interact for the purpose of receiving mental health services.  Discussion topics include both medical and personal items depending on in which direction the conversation goes; full truth is given when questions are asked as no benefit to be gained from withholding information.  Most likely the only group outside of immediate household with whom I am truly genuine and open.

Posted February 16, 2012 by veggiewolf in Boxes

Self-medication   Leave a comment

I have what is most likely an unhealthy relationship with alcohol.

I can go for weeks without a drink at home, drink appropriately when out to dinner, or at a work function, or a party.  But, when I am at home, and feeling off-kilter (yay, Depression!) I will go through my alcohol of choice to the point of plasterization (yes, I know it isn’t a word).

My alcohol of choice is gin…but not the cheapo stuff on the bottom shelf.  Bombay Sapphire, or Bluecoat, or Hendrick’s.  Ah, Hendrick’s, with its lovely botanicals and hints of cucumber and rose.

(O, Juniper’s essence, why must You torment me so?)

When I am most upset, I look to sipping from a glass packed with crushed ice.  Each fiery mouthful lies to me about taking away my pain and as I walk the razor’s edge for a moment, or five, it seems to be true.  Inevitably, though, I fall deeper and lose control once again.

I crave that fall, those torments.  I crave losing myself for a moment, or five.  I long for oblivion…but I have no gin in the house and I refuse to lose control in public.

I will not go to the state store.  I will not go.

Posted February 16, 2012 by veggiewolf in Depression

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Platonic friends   Leave a comment

Individuals with whom I am comfortable sharing personal information beyond what would be allowed to a stranger.  The relationships vary in depth, but always involve some form of mutual trust.  No sexual activity occurs between us.  Some form of socializing, be it online, by phone, or face-to-face, occurs on a routine basis.

Posted February 11, 2012 by veggiewolf in Boxes