Archive for March 2012

It’s the little things…   Leave a comment

I work in the pharmaceutical industry, among a number of incredibly intelligent people that, like me, do the job because it helps our fellow man.  I also work among a number of less-than-intelligent people that also do the job of helping their fellow man because of the wages involved.  And, really, the fact that they are helping (regardless of motivations) is good enough for me.

However, after years of defending my industry in dinner conversations, at parties, in online chat sessions, etc., I get extremely pissed off when the industry makes it impossible for me to continue doing so.

In this case, I’m pointing at YOU BMS/Otsuka!  You and your fucking Abilify commercials with the robes of depression, or the ball & chain of depression, or the stupid motherfucking UMBRELLA of “Depression hanging over my head”.  Honestly, people!  I’m in the industry, and these commercials make me believe (for a moment) that the fact that I can still feel depressed, or have a depressive episode despite being on an anti-depressant is not normal.  And, that’s the issue, really.

No one should be medicated to the point that they cannot feel anything.  Part of having depression and knowing your treatment is working involves still being able to feel normal fluctuations of emotion.  I’m on 20mg Paxil/day and, except for occasional bad days, it works for me.  But then again, I don’t subscribe to the “everyone should be happy all the time” bullshit message.  People that are happy all the time, or pretend to be happy all the time, or expect others to be happy all the time are the ones out of touch with reality.

The other thing that bothers me is that even though Major Depressive Disorder (which I have) is categorized as a psychosis, I really don’t think anti-psychotics should be prescribed for it as a matter of course AND I certainly don’t think they should be advertised.  Hell, doctors are going to have people asking for this fucking med when all they may need is to titrate their SSRI/SNRI dose, or add therapy to their regimen.  Abilify  is an atypical anti-fucking-PSYCHOTIC medication.  They use it primarily in schizophrenia and bipolar disorder.

Okay, rant over.  The only thing I have to add to this mess is a request to please please PLEASE check the Package Insert for Abilify before taking it, regardless of the reason.  If more people read package inserts, more people would actually know what they are taking and WHY.

Posted March 30, 2012 by veggiewolf in Depression

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To delve the darkness   3 comments

Since my mind lives in darkness much of the time, I don’t find it odd that I am fascinated by the darker aspects of life.

(I’m using the word “darker” here as some out there do; in this post it represents anything not shiny-happy-fluffy.)

I’ll watch endless reruns of Law & Order:SVU – again with the abuse, again with the rape, again with the torture.  Each time I watch an episode, I am mesmerized and cannot look away.  I was fascinated by Strangeland when I saw it; the idea of body modification through piercings, tattoos, scarification, hook suspension pushes more than one of my buttons. In addition, I’ve a penchant for giving pain in kink situations.  Add these things to my anime porn collection and the fact that I am a sexual assault survivor and, well, you’ve got an individual with some socially questionable mental machinations.

(I’m finding it interesting to be writing about these things and to have them out there on the Intarwebz when I have trouble discussing it with my closest confidants, but I guess this is a matter of whatever works.)

I have monsters, as do we all, and the mental machinations help me cope.  They fulfill the part of me that cannot be allowed out without a leash.  I can feed my monster with digital and mental images and have it be sated rather than trying to lock it in a closet or chain it to a wall (nice image there, though).  I choose to engage in this fashion.  I choose to feed and/or fuck my monsters rather than shove them down since they’reME.

I guess this post is my coming-out moment.

(Thank you to Morag Spinner, whose blog Innocence and Immanence inspired this post.)

Posted March 6, 2012 by veggiewolf in Depression