To delve the darkness   3 comments

Since my mind lives in darkness much of the time, I don’t find it odd that I am fascinated by the darker aspects of life.

(I’m using the word “darker” here as some out there do; in this post it represents anything not shiny-happy-fluffy.)

I’ll watch endless reruns of Law & Order:SVU – again with the abuse, again with the rape, again with the torture.  Each time I watch an episode, I am mesmerized and cannot look away.  I was fascinated by Strangeland when I saw it; the idea of body modification through piercings, tattoos, scarification, hook suspension pushes more than one of my buttons. In addition, I’ve a penchant for giving pain in kink situations.  Add these things to my anime porn collection and the fact that I am a sexual assault survivor and, well, you’ve got an individual with some socially questionable mental machinations.

(I’m finding it interesting to be writing about these things and to have them out there on the Intarwebz when I have trouble discussing it with my closest confidants, but I guess this is a matter of whatever works.)

I have monsters, as do we all, and the mental machinations help me cope.  They fulfill the part of me that cannot be allowed out without a leash.  I can feed my monster with digital and mental images and have it be sated rather than trying to lock it in a closet or chain it to a wall (nice image there, though).  I choose to engage in this fashion.  I choose to feed and/or fuck my monsters rather than shove them down since they’reME.

I guess this post is my coming-out moment.

(Thank you to Morag Spinner, whose blog Innocence and Immanence inspired this post.)

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Posted March 6, 2012 by veggiewolf in Depression

3 responses to “To delve the darkness

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  1. I remember when SVU first came out. It was a year or so after my rape. I watched it religiously. I think it was nice to watch people get justice (since I so didn’t). I think it was nice to know that maybe someone did get support from the police and prosecutor. But a lot of time, I think it’s shit. I still can’t stop watching though.

  2. DH told me last night that I need to stop using the monster as an excuse for why I like these things. I think he’s right, but I get so worried about judgement. it’s weird, really – I don’t usually care what people say about me but I make the excuses anyway.

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