Archive for April 2013

Internet triggers and wine   1 comment

Last night, I read something on the internet, got triggered, and subsequently tried to obliterate my brain with wine.

It didn’t work.  I am still triggered all to fuck and I managed to both worry my husband and give myself a hell of a hangover (complete with nausea, headache, and general feeling of malaise).  Add on the fact that I had no idea I was triggered until putting the pieces together this morning and you can just imagine what the inside of my head looks like right now.

Here’s what happened – there’s a long-running (25+ pages) thread on eCauldron about the concept of god-slavery and what it means and how it works.   It took damn near all of those pages for everyone involved to get a clear (or at least, less murky) understanding of what it means for those of us who actually wear the manacles…and then along came a new participant who decided not to read the entire thread before responding  and posted a number of very offensive things that might never have been brought up if the goddamn thread had been read first.

See, the thing is,  I try to talk about being a god-slave because I think people should hear about it directly and from real people rather than through the grapevine.  One of the key things about god-slavery is the fact that there is consent.  In fact, I think it is probably more easily grokked by those who have some experience with BDSM or power-dynamic relationships than by those who do not because of that fact – consent is key for it to work properly.  So, when someone comes in (as happened last night) spouting theories and talking about using words incorrectly without having read the entire discussion, they’ve basically negated all of the work I, and others, put into trying to explain things in the first place.

But that isn’t all.  eCauldron has rules about quoting when posting.  This person used the quote function to quote me…but inserted someone else’s words.  Basically, they put words in my mouth…and this was the catalyst for my descent into alcohol oblivion.  They took my consent with their words – attributing something to me that I never said.  They erased me…and it felt personal.

Now, I don’t even know this person at all.  They’re a newer member of the forums and I’ve never spoken to or met them until I started posting responses this morning.  But, here’s the thing – it felt personal, like they were saying “I will remove your agency because it isn’t valuable.”  I haven’t felt so small or insignificant in a long time…and I’m the tool of a god who isn’t known for being careful with his toys.

Let me repeat that – I am the tool of a god and HE has never made me feel as tiny and unimportant as this person on the internet did.

And so, two and a half bottles of wine last night, and my husband worried and angry over it, and me not being able to explain what happened because I didn’t put the pieces together until this morning (and really, how does one explain the magnitude of feeling erased by someone on the internet and the overwhelming need to medicate oneself into nowhere???)

FUCK.

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Posted April 10, 2013 by veggiewolf in Triggers

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