Archive for December 2013

Seasonal Blues – now 25% extra blue!   1 comment

‘Tis the season…and all that rot.

This time of year is always difficult for me – the religious gatherings, the expectation to be with family and friends.  I…have interesting relationships with my family members and my friends, well, most of them don’t live anywhere near me and so gathering isn’t as easy as it sounds.  And this year it appears more burdens have decided to land on my head and so it plans to be even more blue than usual.

Long about November 6th, I was given notice that my consulting contract was ending effective the following week…but that I would cease working on that day.  This is normal procedure when a contract ends – there’s a period of time during which you continue to be paid, but access to systems and things are removed to keep confidentiality intact.  I’d be warned, several weeks before, that it could be coming and so wasn’t surprised when the hammer came down.

But it hurt.  It hurt to the point of fleeing into my husband’s arms to cry and shriek  and, later, to the point of self-anesthetization.  After all, sometimes a drink is needed.

I almost immediately took up another position…part-time, working for my parents at a rate they can afford to pay but that won’t support our family without another source of supplemental income.  It’s also not a position that will help my CV in any possible way – I’m going to either have to leave it off entirely or add it and call it a consulting position.  After managing clinical trials and training other people to do so, to list an office manager position on my resume is tantamount to professional suicide.

I’ve sent out close to thirty resumes to head-hunters and/or companies directly…and had one positive response.  I last spoke to her before Thanksgiving.

I’ll continue to plug away, because not doing so is just not in my nature thanks to the tiny little pink tablets I take every night before bed.  I’m no longer able to curl up in bed and turn my brain off without chemical help…and I need that chemical help to actually sleep which means lying in bed all day not thinking is not on the menu.

On top of this, place routine family drama plus extra family drama relating to a fight between my parents and my husband that doesn’t seem possible to clear up.  This was the first year since my husband and I started dating that we did not have dinner together…and it will be the second Christmas dinner in our history we do not attend together.  It can be hard not to be selfish and think he should attend regardless of how he feels…but I can’t make myself bug at him any more than I’ve done and, honestly, I don’t want to make him go.  I want him to want to go…and that’s not going to happen this year.

Last night I dreamt of drowning, which has never happened before.  I felt myself slip away and black out, and only knew it didn’t happen when I felt myself wake and breathe normally.  I was safe, in my bed.

But I’m starting to think there are no safe places anymore.


Posted December 6, 2013 by veggiewolf in Depression

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