Archive for May 2014

Honest and Open but Hurt   2 comments

The beauty of my personal polyamory has been marred significantly of late, due to my break-up with T.

Now, I’m not going to swear off meeting new people, or dating (although dating is AWFUL), or try to shove myself into a monogamous box because of this. I am going to grieve, though…and I’m going to try to do it in such a way that does not include chemical assistance. I need to grieve because T and I have been involved, in one way or another, for 27 years and, although we never took our relationship in the direct societal norms would dictate, our emotional connection is quite strong. In fact, I imagine this is as difficult for T as it is for me.

I am fortunate to have an amazingly loving and supportive husband, and I know he’ll help me work through the mire of feelings I’m stuck in. While I am currently happier than I’ve been in a long time (new job and all of those attendant feelings of worth), I can’t say that I’m not a bit shaken over the whole ordeal.

Here, in a nutshell, is what happened:

T and his wife have been going back and forth in their own relationship and some of that was beginning to spill over onto my relationship with T. This isn’t unusual in polyamory – no matter how removed one is from a metamour (partner of your partner with whom you are also not partnered), the dynamics of one relationship impact another. I’m a listener, and so I listened to T as he described what was going on. According to him, his wife first asked for a separation, and then she recanted. Next, she told T she wanted to find her own partner outside their marriage and asked T if he and I could take a break from seeing each other until she found her footing. We both agreed to that, and so we kept our contacts to text and Facebook messaging.

While T and I were in the messaging-only phase, his wife contacted me directly and apologized for how she’d thrown a wrench into the works. She also thanked me for being so supportive of their marriage and, in that conversation, she confirmed much (but not all) of what T was telling me and told me it wouldn’t be long before I’d be seeing him in person again. I found the whole thing a bit odd (we’d never spoken before and I didn’t think I needed an apology), but thanked her for letting me know what was going on and told her I appreciated her support. After this, she started seeking her own partner and things seemed to be going okay…until a shoe dropped.

The shoe that dropped was a big one, and I don’t want to get into all of the ins-and-outs here since it is really their story to tell or not tell. I will say, though, that as a result T came to me and said the following:

“I’m sorry, but we’re going to need to keep this at a friendship level from now on. Don’t know if that will change but <wife> and I need to focus on us right now. I can always use your advice, but I love my wife and for us to move forward I can’t be having a girlfriend. I hope you understand…”

I love T, and I respect his needs and also his relationship with his wife. My response to T was that I, of course, understand and if that’s what he needs to do, I’ll respect it. And I do – hell, I’ve been the one to say similar things to other partners. In fact, not too long ago I broke things off with a wonderful woman because I didn’t have the emotional wherewithal to give her what she needed. I knew it would be painful for her, and it was, but I also knew that I had to be open and communicate honestly. In that same vein of honest communication, I told T that, if things change, I’d be happy to revisit our old relationship…but that it must involve his wife being aware and okay with it. I’ll not slip into a situation where I am helping someone cheat – I’ve had too much of that in my past to want to do it again – and it’s a hard line for me now.

Honest communication is one of the reasons I’m writing this post in the first place – no relationship is wine and roses all the time, and openness between partners is, ultimately, the thing that will keep something going in whatever form it’s meant to be. One of my other motives for this post, though, is to point out that it is very possible to understand something logically and still be emotionally wrecked. While I know I’m not being rejected due to anything I did, or said, I am still being rejected and it hurts. It hurts, and doubtless I’ll end up talking to my husband about it and probably bringing it up with my therapist and going through a grieving process for the relationship-that-was until it doesn’t hurt so much.

I’m noticing that my Depression isn’t completely taking over and trying to make me believe that everything is wrong the world is ending OMG, so that’s a great thing.  Maybe it won’t take too long to get through this.