Back on the Horse   Leave a comment

I wish that the title of this post actually was about how I’ve decided to start taking horseback riding lessons again, but it’s not.  It’s about getting back on the horse I fell off last May – developing relationships that are not with my husband.

Blargh.

Here’s a thing about me – I am notoriously bad at getting back to people until I’ve actually met them, and even then it can be dicey.  This is not because I don’t want to be a good correspondent; it’s because I really don’t like the methods of correspondence that are available.  I’d much rather sit down and have a conversation face-to-face than a 30 minute text session…and I’m usually okay with waiting to converse until I can actually see someone, although I’m surprisingly okay with IM as well.  Anything to do with responding via mobile phone, though, drives me up a tree; I don’t like it and because I don’t like it, I am horrible at responding when someone sends me something.  Unless it’s an emergency.  Or a sext.  Come to think of it, I’m good at responding in both those situations.  The problem is, if I don’t know you, it’s unlikely that I want to receive a sext from you, and it is also unlikely that you have an emergency that is also an emergency for me.

Complicated person is complicated, and around and around we go!

Anyway, I want to develop some FWB relationships , so I went back on OK Cupid a couple of weeks ago with an updated profile that included a note about the fact that I won’t respond to dick pics.  For a few weeks, I got visitors to my profile and likes, but no messages.  Then, I got a message and responded to it…and more messages started pouring out of the woodwork.  Seems like the more I respond to people, the more people try to contact me, and that’s because OKC has this thing where it shows your reply frequency and it appears that people are more likely to contact me if I actually respond.  Which means that if I want to develop relationships, I actually have to do the fucking work…and I hate having to do the fucking work.

Well, unless the fucking work is literal.  Then, it’s amazing.  Did I mention that I self-identify as an Ethical Slut?

So, for OKC to work for me I need to respond to people who message me, even if it is just me saying that I don’t think I would click with the person, so my reply frequency will go up and then more people will message me, and then I’ll have to respond more and and and.  Add in the fact that I can’t really access OKC from work where I am on a computer all day, and the fact that I don’t really want to get on the computer when I get home, and I’m left with responding from my phone.  And I hate having to respond from my phone, even if it is shiny and smart.  So, I want to meet someone and the only way to do it successfully using the service I’ve decided to use is to embrace something I hate.

I mean, I suppose I could go out and do things and try and meet people that way, except that would mean going out and doing things, and then getting to explain polyamory to people who think dating while married must equal infidelity and that I’ll be super fine with them cheating on their spouse.  Well, unless I go to a munch, but I don’t really want to go to a munch.  At least OKC has the open-relationship status right off the bat and my profile in which to explain things.  And I don’t respond to people who don’t read my profile.  Although, I probably need to update it again to add that random requests for sex won’t get responses either – I like to be friends with someone before sexy things happen, and I’m not really into one-night-stands right now.

I’d also like to be able to carry on a conversation with you before tearing your clothes off.  Just saying.

As far as new relationships go, I appear to be in early stage NRE with one person (a colleague, actually), and I’m speaking with others from OKC and, hopefully, meeting up with some of them over the next couple of weeks.  I’ve no idea if it will get beyond the coffee stage, and I’m okay with that.  At this point, putting myself out there at all is a HUGE step when I’d rather hermit up with a good game and a bottle of wine.  So, I guess I’m growing?  Maybe?

But, since climbing back on the dating horse, I’ve been wondering how much of my ambivalence about actually connecting with other human beings has to do with the fact that I still miss T, and the way that he knew me and cared for me unconditionally.  We still speak via email occasionally, but it’s nothing like the pause-and-play we had for 27 years, and now that almost a year has passed since I last saw him, I’m finally coming to terms with the fact that we may never again be what we were to each other.  It’s been a grieving process, really, and lately it’s taken everything I have not to ask him if he’d like to meet up for any reason at all.

FUCK.  I’m not over it.  I wonder if anyone really gets over something like this.

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