More Brainweasels, Poly Brainweasels   2 comments

Having Depression and being polyamorous leads to circumstances that are slightly less than amusing on first glance.  And to additionally less amusing brainweasels.

I have found that I need to believe I have worth in order to practice polyamory in the manner I think it should be practiced.  That is to say, I cannot be sure of my position with my partners unless I know my own worth and, when I don’t have a firm grasp on that, my grasp on how I fit into their lives gets shaky.  I find this to be an interesting problem but, like I said, not an amusing one, because my Depression goes after those bits of my brain that know I have worth and so I oftentimes end up in one of those endless loops of mental non-logic.

This is not amusing.

Here’s a routine brainloop, for your consideration:

>Hooray!  My husband found someone he really likes!  He’s inviting them over to hang out with us!
She won’t like me.
>It’ll be great to meet her; he’s so happy!  I love how NRE affects him!
People never like me.  I won’t know how to act.
>Maybe we’ll get along and she’ll come over more often.  We can all sit on the couch together.
No.  I’ll do something wrong, and he’ll decide not to bring her here and then I’ll get less time with him because he’ll be over there.

Logical brain knows this is a fallacy, and not how polyamory works.  Logical brain knows my husband loves me and isn’t going anywhere, and that love multiplies, and that I am loved and cared for.  Depression brain?  She doesn’t care about logic.  Depression brain knows that the end of every good thing is coming and that it starts with teeny tiny things like a happy husband.  And yes, I’m rolling my eyes as I write this, because I am not in the throes of Depression brain.  Plus, as you know from my other post, brainweasels make less sense when written down or said out loud.

I’ll let you in on a little secret, too: many poly- people have brainweasels around their polyness. (Is polyness a word?  Chrome doesn’t think it is.)  They usually suppress them, or find a way to work through them, but they have them.  It’s not unusual to identify as polyamorous and still feel jealousy, or envy, or anger, or any of the other emotions that can pop up from time to time to wreak havoc on communication and honesty.  The people who say we shouldn’t feel these things in the name of compersion or frubbly are LYING.

*ahem*  What I mean is, we feel what we feel, and don’t need to make excuses for it.  I fully plan to kick the next person who says such things to me in the ASS, then hang them from a wall until they beg to be taken down.

(And, yeah.  This is not a post about sadism.  When I write one, I’ll cover it with trigger warnings.)

Paxil helps with my Depression brain, and my brainweasels pop up much less often than they used to, but at this point they are corralled rather than eradicated.  And, you know, I think that’s okay, really – brainweasels, in small amounts, can point out things that need to be addressed.  Brainweasels, in small amounts, make you aware of things you might not otherwise notice.  And that’s a good thing.  Brainweasels en masse however need to be rounded up and have their feet held to the fire; a sneak of weasels isn’t good for anyone or anything.

I don’t know if there’s a moral to all of this rambling, but I have come up with two things to remember: (1) Feel what you feel, and let it out.  Better out than in, if you will.  (2) Clearly, brainweasels are going to be a running theme, and I should probably make them a category.


2 responses to “More Brainweasels, Poly Brainweasels

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  1. Brainweasels, a great way to describe them!

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