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I may have successfully raised someone to adulthood.

That is to say, my son graduated university today.  I saw it with my own two eyes, as did my husband, and my parents, and my son’s girlfriend.  He came into the arena in a cap and gown, and he sat for an interminable length of time in the heat sink that was the area for graduate seating, and he walked to the front and, when they called his name, he shook hands with all of the honorees and was handed his diploma.

And I sat in a more comfortable seat than I imagined (although my hips probably have bruises from the narrowness), and I watched all of this and was filled with ten million emotions.  And, I didn’t cry.

Tonight, we went out to dinner, he and me, and my husband, and my parents, and his girlfriend, and we had an interesting meal full of witty banter and wine and food – some good, some mediocre.  And, I didn’t cry.

And after dinner, we walked back toward the hotel as a group, and when we got to the last corner he hugged both my parents, and then my husband, and then me.  And we clung to each other for a bit, and he told me he hoped I was proud of him, that he worked his ass off to make me proud.  And the tears welled up, but I didn’t cry, and neither did he.  Then.

I am writing this now so I don’t forget how it feels, and the tears are welling up again…and I’m going to let them fall if they want to.  To reach this point…to get here is something I both hoped for and dreaded with all of my being.  And, I have to admit it now – he will always be my son but he is not mine.  He is his own person, and has been as long as he’s been on this Earth, and although he loves me he is not my possession.    And it is bittersweet on my tongue because as much as I want to make everything all right for him, I can’t.  He is not mine.  He is His.

Let the tears fall; let my eyes grow red, and my throat be raw and full, and let there be joy in all of it.

I have successfully raised someone to adulthood.

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Posted May 10, 2015 by veggiewolf in Depression, self-esteem

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