Ouroboros   Leave a comment

I’m eating myself again.

There’s something freeing, and weird, about being open with the Internet at large and saying the things that are difficult in open space.  I feel like I’d do well in one of the world’s Speakers’ Corners, since I seem to be able to spout things to total strangers that I have trouble saying to the people I’m closest to…and while I’d like to say them, I sometimes find it difficult to choose words rather than allow everything to spill out of my face.  Hence my belief that a Speakers Corner would suit me well.

So, I’m eating myself again, and it’s time to get some of it out before I’m too full to process anything.  Hooray for word vomit.

First, I’ve decided to go ahead and try Equine Assisted Psychotherapy (EAP) to treat my emotional eating.  I’ve scheduled my intake appointment for next week, and the curriculum looks promising.  And, if it doesn’t work, I get some time with horses which is always a good thing.

I had yet another schedule fail with J – we’d hoped to meet up this week to finally take this relationship beyond the flirting and occasional clench in the parking lot that it’s been for a year now.  It’s almost comical at this point, really…except that it isn’t.  I’d really hate this to become one of those longed-after but never consummated things.

T is back in my life again.  We’re on a once a month schedule, and I’ll be seeing him later this month.  And yes, I know I got hurt and many of my friends don’t think I should be doing this again…which is why they’re finding out through this blog entry*.  It’s been difficult to admit that I’m back in again when the last time ended so badly.

(*I ended up telling them before this was published.)

Finally, I broke a personal rule, and I really want to talk about it because I’m not sure what it did to me.

My husband and his girlfriend had their first major fight this week, and he plunged into a pit of despair afterwards because they reached a stalemate.  Neither of them understood where the other was coming from, and when he and I talked about it I tried to explain what I thought was going on with her, based on my knowledge of her and what she’s told me about her life.  Things came to a head and, on Wednesday evening, I ended up messaging my metamour and offering to talk if she needed it.  She immediately called me and we spent 40 minutes on the phone while she vented and I tried to understand what she was saying and where the communication break-down happened while also commiserating and explaining that some of the things she was reacting to didn’t actually happen the way she thought they did.

(Complicated things are complicated.  Especially relationship complications.)

Anyway, the discussion seems to have worked – she called my husband right after I got off the phone with her, and they’ve been talking ever since.  Real communication, some of it about things they’ve discussed before, and some of it about new things, but all of it open and honest.  Last night they talked for hours, and he ended up bringing her back to our house for more talking, and he’s happy again and I am thrilled because I love him and want him to be happy.

So, here’s what I mean when I say I’m not sure what it did to me: I am not sure if putting myself in the middle like that has changed the relationship I have with my metamour for the better.  It clearly helped get them over the hump but…I’m second guessing getting involved because it’s been a rule of mine NOT to get involved in things like this.  My husband’s relationships are his to manage, and my relationships are mine to manage.  And that includes my relationship with my metamour – it’s my relationship, and so I get to manage it until it gets to a level that I am happy with…and I think that by intervening I may have pushed my relationship with her to a level that I am not ready for and that, to be honest, I’m not sure I want.

Don’t get me wrong, now: I like her, and think she’s a nice person, and I enjoy her company.  I am, however, nowhere near ready for anything beyond a surface relationship and I think we’ve somehow managed to get past my comfort level and my skin is crawling.  It’s not her, though – it’s me.  Aside from the fact that she hugged me when we first met and I couldn’t opt out, she’s done NOTHING to me that wasn’t kind.  It’s not her – IT’S ME.

I live a life that I’m not thrilled with right now, and I’ve mentioned it before, I know.  I work seven days a week between the two jobs I have, and that won’t stop until the beginning of July when I stop teaching swimming lessons on weekends for the duration of the summer.  When I am not working, I don’t want to think and so I engage in a variety of mindless activities – I watch TV with my husband sometimes, and I game sometimes, and I sleep sometimes.  And then I wake up and go back to work.  Repeat early and often.

I’m exhausted, and out of whack, and bringing myself back into alignment takes more energy than I have at the moment…especially since it will likely involve more people in my life.  There are only a few people other than my husband that I’d choose to spend time with, and I usually can’t because they either live too far away or their schedule doesn’t match mine.  Oh, and did I mention I’ve got another health thing going on that requires some lifestyle changes to be made ASAP?  And I need a measles booster – when they checked my titer, it showed I am no longer immune, and since people have stopped vaccinating herd immunity won’t protect me.

On top of this, let’s add in the fact that I don’t feel like I can relax when anyone outside of my immediate family is in the house, and circumstances beyond my control mean that my metamour is going to be at the house a lot over the next few days, and…yeah.

I don’t know what to do about any of this, but I know writing it out helps, and seeing it on screen helps.  It won’t be fixed immediately but at least I’m now hopeful that things will improve at some point.  They have to, right?

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