Archive for the ‘Terminology’ Category

Dude Social Fallacies   Leave a comment

Reblogged from SPC Snaptags:

“There was a very interesting discussion going on in the comment section of the Captain Awkward column, “681: Consent Basics: It takes two to decide to be friends and only one to say “Nope!”” The answer was in response to a letter writer, whose boyfriend’s friend was being creepy and manipulative…”

Read the rest here!

Posted April 2, 2015 by veggiewolf in Sharing Things, Terminology

Brainweasels   Leave a comment

Today, my brainweasels are racing around their corral, screaming.

I should explain: a brainweasel is an insidious thought that races its way through my mind and inserts itself into every other thought I have.  They’re voracious, like actual weasels, and fast-moving, and not afraid of charging in, kicking ass, and taking names.  My own brainweasels are (usually) a product of Depression brain, with occasional bits of genetic material from the Social Anxiety Monster, but I know brainweasels can come from multiple sources, and I also know that other people have them.

Anyway, today mine are racing around their corral, screaming.  This is because I scooped them all up this morning and shut them in; I really don’t want to deal with them today since I’ve got so much to do.  I suspect, though, that at least one has gotten out and is on the loose since I’ve getting occasional flashes of things I only think when I am deep in the pit and numb to outside influence.  It’s not so much that I can’t ignore it and focus on what I need to do, but it is slightly distracting.

Although, a friend of mine just handed me a virtual padlock, and it seems to be working to keep the weasels where they need to be.  Visualization, Thou Art Priceless…in many instances.

The messages carried by my mental mustilidae (thanks for the phrasing, oh fabulous frog!) tend to be related to self-worth and and pretty easy to identify as weaselry.  The sheer volume of them, though, makes it pretty difficult to ignore…and therein lies the rub.  Weaselry wants to be noticed; it wants me to pay attention to it, and to get all caught up in the nonsense it is spewing so it can multiply and take over my waking mind until I can focus on nothing but what it has to tell me.  Quite frankly, it’s exhausting, and I’ve got shit to do!

And so, I fight.  I fight the brainweasels with medication – they’re much less of a problem with Paxil riding shotgun.  I fight them with techniques my therapist taught me – I watch the weaselry hang in the air for a moment before turning my attention to other, more relevant, thoughts; I write them out so I can see how they look on screen/paper.  I fight them with my relationships with other people – my husband, my son, my partners, and my friends all think I am amazing and love me (look – no qualifiers or self-deprecation!).  I fight them in myriad ways, some of which I am not even sure I can reliably identify…because the other option is to stagnate, crawl into my hole, and become what the brainweasels want me to be.  And, I’m stubborn enough, and enough of a control freak, to be more resentful of their attempts at control than apathetic about them…and that’s probably the secret, really.

You see, the work I’ve done on myself means I’ve got that tiny spark inside that says I’m worth something, even when things are at their worst.  Even when the world comes crashing down around me, and everything is wrong, and nothing is fair…I have that spark that keeps me going.  Dr. Barb helped me find that spark, and nurture it, and taught me what to do so it doesn’t go out…and I can’t let it die now, knowing everything that went into making it bloom.  So, I can let the brainweasels run a bit, knowing that I’ll notice when they get to be too much and that I’ll somehow be able to corral them again.

And, if I somehow can’t, then I’ll ask for help.  Action is preferable to stagnation, after all.

Polyable Moment   Leave a comment

I realized today that I’ve not really written anything polyamory-related since May of 2014, and while thinking about what I could write I landed face-first in a polyable moment.

What is polyable?  Well, it’s a portmanteau – polyamory + teachable = polyable.  Basically, something happened today that made me go, “Aha!  This is what it’s all about.  I can use this as an example of how polyamory works.”  After all, once someone learns I am polyamorous, the questions start: who, what, where, when, how?  WHY????  I don’t mind the questions – hell, I’ll talk about anything if asked to, and human behavior is right up there as one of my favorite topics, along with sex and religion.  Oh, and my cats.

So, who?  Well, right now my only partner is my husband.  The post I linked above explains the break I had with my other main partner, and I’ve not really been up for hitting the dating market (I know I’ve mentioned before that DATING SUCKS MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF ASS.)  I don’t tend to count my platonic relationships as part of my polyamory; I know some people do, but it’s a case of YPINMPBYPIOK (your-poly-is-not-my-poly-but-your-poly-is-ok.)  If I did, I’d be close to maxing out the color choices in my Google calendar.  So, at some point I’ll end up hitting OK Cupid again and steeling myself to meet people unless a potential partner just falls into my lap while I’m playing Dragon Age: Inquisition.

*looks up at the ceiling hopefully*

What?  I define my version of polyamory really well in this post from 2012, so I don’t think I necessarily need to do it all over again…unless someone wants to see it here?  Let me know.

Where?  Everywhere.  I’m polyamorous everywhere.  I may not speak about it in all venues (over dinner with the parents and the aunt who is a minister?  Ummm, no.), but I am polyamorous.  I can behave otherwise, for a while, but the truth will out.  For the other version of the where question…also everywhere.  *winks*

When?  All the time.  See my answer to Where.  More practically, when my schedule permits.

How?  Well, if you’re talking definitions again, see my 2012 post linked above.  If you’re not, here’s where the polyable moment comes in: I communicate.  I tell people what they need to know even if I’m afraid they don’t want to hear it.  Especially if I’m afraid they don’t want to hear it; if I’ve angst over saying something, it is probably something that needs to be said.  So, earlier, my husband told me something via IM and I communicated back.  I told him how I felt about what he was saying, and how I felt about him, and how I want to move forward with bringing more people into my life.  We communicated, and it was profound like so many of our conversations are – we were so on the same wavelength that I felt we were vibrating on the same frequency.

The thing is, my husband’s polyamory only matches mine where we intersect with each other.  It works differently for him – he’s more emotionally open and more welcoming of romantic love, and I am, well, like I said, go read my definition.  I’ve broken off relationships when emotional connections have grown in directions I couldn’t handle, and when I can’t give people what they want/need from me (two in the past few years, actually).  My husband is completely different than me when it comes to love…and I love him so much for that, and want him to be happy.  So, I communicate so he knows where I am.  He communicates so I know where he is.  We communicate, and it is awe-inspiring to me.  Today’s communication, simple as it was, was polyable – I’ll be able to refer to it as an example of how my polyamory works and it just might give people some more insight.

Finally, why?  Why do I do this or, as people have asked, why would I choose this, or just why, for gods’ sakes why???

I could be flip and say why not, but the truth is that other relationship styles haven’t worked for me and this one does.   Monogamy didn’t work for me; polyamory and non-monogamy do.  I’m fortunate that I get to have the relationships I want, in the manner I want, without compromise, and I see no reason not to do so.

Thoughts?  Questions?  Good polyable moments?  I’d love to hear them!

Posted January 8, 2015 by veggiewolf in Polyamory, Terminology

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Spoons and why I needs them   Leave a comment

For those that aren’t getting the spoon references here, I’m linking you to the original Spoon Theory, written by Christine Miserandino.

Once you read it, you’ll get it.

Posted April 13, 2012 by veggiewolf in Depression, Terminology

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